Thursday, October 28, 2010

My first time

We ended up going to live with my grandparents when I was ten.  My mother had killed my father (another future blog) and we were taken by my grandparents.  My grandpa was actually my step grandfather but he had been in the family since before I was born so to us, he was the real deal.

Problem was he was a creep, but I did not know it then.  Since then I have remembered that he molested me way before then.  When I was about 4 our family moved in with my grandparents for a while.  We were very poor, dad would not work, he was abusive, alcoholic and used drugs. The horrible things he did to my mother are things you only see on TV. 

My grandfather took huge pride in the yard, he mowed it to perfection and no one was allowed to touch his mower but him, now I do remember him letting me ride on his lap and steer.  I also vaguely remember the first time he touched me, only four years old, I remember the lawnmower being under the carport, and us sitting on it, me in his lap.

I remember him putting a finger inside of me, at only four years old and tellng me not to tell anyone.  Of course, I did not, I am not sure why, I guess at taht age I did not even know what he was doing was wrong.  Years later after talking to my mother about this turns out he use to hit on her and be really mean to her as well.  Which was odd because everyone *thought* he was the most amazing caring man.  No one realized there was this other side to him.

He was 10 yrs younger than my grandma, and she was really young too because she had my dad at 16,  When I went to live with them at 10 my grandma was only 49 and my grandpa was 39.  She had a lot of heath problems and was not able to give him the attention he needed I guess.

I look at myself now, 37, and i try to imagine 2 years from now having 3 GRANDKIDS come and live with me.  I cannot really wrap my head aroudn it but it was no excuse for what he did.  AFter we came to live with him when I was ten, me and my brothers, this man abused me everyday of my life 4, 5, 6 times a day.

I got so fat, because no matter what, you could have just killed someone and if you were at the kitchen table eating, you were safe, granny would not let anything or anyone interrupt, so I ate, and I ate and I ate, hoping it would keep me safe from him telling me he needed me to go to the store with him, or out to the shed with him, or into the bedroom because he needed to talk to me.

Looking back now, I just don't understand how my grandma didn't know something was wrong...


  1. I want to thank those of you who have commented on my previous two blogs. This is going to be a long journey and this is early in the game. It is going to be hard.

    But I have to purge myself of this shame and hurt and anger. Some how sharing it, even with strangers, seeing your comments, realizing SOMEONE is listening, someone knows what happened to me, seems to lighten some of my burden...

  2. Writing all of these painful memories down seems like a cathartic act, and I hope that you continue to find your load lightened as you release these things that have been bottled up so long. Blessings to you!

  3. Cant say I didnt prepare myself for this one...... god what sick sick man.

  4. Goodness! What a horrible man. He must be burning in hell by now; in a nasty, nasty hell. Hope it's better with you these days.

  5. Men (or women) NEVER do this kind of thing because their partner (husband or wife) isn't giving them what they need. Men do not go to prostitutes because their wives are lacking, they go because there is a need to go to prostitutes - I suspect that if these men's wives offered some of the more esoteric services they might crave, they'd revile her as a whore and divorce her. A lot of men have one set of rules for their family women and another for women they can score with. Your grandfather wanted sex with CHILDREN - yet he married a woman 10 years his senior??? How was she supposed to scratch that itch? It is NEVER the spouse's fault. Have these men never heard of divorce, if lack of satisfaction is the issue. What a man (or woman does) is his (or her) fault, and his/hers alone. As to your grandmother knowing, perhaps she did, perhaps not. When people can deny their own behavior to themselves, how much easier is it to deny that of another, which you have actually never seen? It is easy to believe a child "misunderstood" a touch when that requires the least action or change on your own part.

  6. Is interesting the way that they do this things...they think so much about it...turn it into a perfect scheme...that even the family can´t realize what is realy happening...and even if they had imagine what was happening, they would think that it was just a stupid thought...
    just remember that you never be alone, you will have always someone here to listen all you have to say...

  7. People are blind to the hurt and and pain of loved ones sometimes. Because they don't want to believe it though, doesn't make it less real. And not everyone grasps that concept.

    Take care