A huge problem that has followed me are issues with sex. I was molested most of my life, at times severely. My earliest memory is about 4, but I will blog about that later.
It was someone in my family that was suppose to love me, suppose to protect me. I can't even describe what this did to me, the things I did acting out, but I digress, back to now... The problem is I can have random sex or "hook ups" with no problem, usually alcohol fueled, yes, I know this is a bad mix, but I cannot have sex when I am "in love'
I have been married to my current husband about 6 years and our marriage is suffering over this, and he tries to be understanding, but he is a man and it is hard. I have absolutely NO desire, and on the odd occassion I do get turned on or my body responds how it should, my mind automatically goes crazy like an alarm goes off and this sea of shame washes over me, like I should NOT be enjoying this.
I have finally come to realize what that stems from as well, but it does not help fix the problem. When I was a child, maybe 11 I can remember my body starting to react while I was being molested and it made me feel so bad, so worthless, like it must be my fault and that my molestor would think that I liked it and I did NOT, but I was still so ashamed...
Now, after reading a LOT on this issue I realize that at that age, I could not help my body reacting at times, and No I do not mean orgasims, I mean small things but things that made me feel dirty nonetheless. I did not understand how that would happen as much as I hated what was happening to me.
When I was single, I went down a dangerous path, random sex, strangers, just to fill that void, to connect, I mean we all need sex, we need that connection but I had to be intoxicated to do it, so started this very dangerous destructive path. I think back to how fortunate I was that I was not raped, assaulted, or worse.
Waking up in someones bed, weekend after weekend, trying to slide out before they woke, not really knowing where I was happened way too often.
I think that is what upsets me the most, I know what my issues are, I know what they stem from, I know why I feel like I feel but I cannot do anything about it. And I do not want to lose my husband, he is a good man, but he is also in his mid 30's and I know he cannot continue to live with someone that gives him sex 3 times a month and all the while, he knows I am dying inside the whole time... how do I fix this?