Tuesday, October 26, 2010

When did you know your family wasn't normal??

At a young age I guess I knew my family was not like all of the people around us. Even then though I had no idea it would be full of so much hate and pain. Murder, sexual abuse, physical abuse, poverty, failed marriages, addictions...

I guess my earliest childhood memories best sum up the majority of my childhood. Although that is not to say there were not good times too, they are just hard to remember.
I remember Christmas when I was four years old, my father had been drinking, so that night, he had told us to clean up our room because we had everything scattered as children will.
I was the oldest, so I have often felt this was partially my fault for not doing what he said.  We continued to play, me and my two younger siblings and he came back a few minutes later.  He was really angry, cussing; throwing things... he told all of us to pick out one toy each.  He then went outside, and hey, I thought the storm was over, we had gotten lucky.  Then I saw the big burn barrel outside with huge flames coming out.
He came back and told us, we could each keep one toy, aside from that, we were to bring our new and old toys out one by one and put them in the fire.  We all cried...but I knew enough to be scared of the fire. My little brother couldn't reach the barrel and each time we went out I would throw his toy in for him while he cried.
At one point I did not make it out at the same time as he did, and when I came out, I remember yellng for him to wait but it was too late, he was trying to reach over the top and ended up leaning against the barrel that was taller than his head. His clothes melted immediately and his little belly was exposed against the barrel, burning his belly a bit too.
Even as I write this all these decades later it makes me cry... but I think that may be the point of this blog... to see if writing it, getting it all out will stop the crying...


  1. Wow, that's awful. I don't know what to say. I hope writing it out is cathartic for you and that life is better for you these days.

  2. Thanks for the comment, and welcome to Blogger. Hope this venue does help you with the clarity and venting of dark emotion you are looking for. Words heal.

  3. geting things out does help i'm a boy but it's the truth

  4. I have a feeling you're going to take people on a journey we are definately not ready for. By the sounds of it...who could be?!?

    Welcome to you CAN find friends.

    And thanks for taking the time to stop by and commet at new Fiance and I do appreciate it :)

  5. Wow, that is terrible. Good for you, though. People can go for years and not realize their family is not "normal".

    I never felt so guilty that mine was...until now. Be strong- cry, write and I hope this works for you.

  6. Jen,

    Thank you so much for commenting. As I said in another post, while my family does know most of what i will be blogging here we do not discuss it.

    I feel like I have to purge myself of this toxic emotion... this is the only way I know to do it. Unfortunately it is just something my family cannot handle talking about so here helps.

    People like you posting, commenting, lets me know someone is listening, someone is hearing my story. Though I will never meet you, or know anything about any of you, you have no idea how much it seems to lift my burden, by sharing it.

  7. You probably will never be able to talk truthfully with your blood relatives - for you and them there is so much that needs to be protedcted in their own hearts - and people remember things differently. I think bad families actually have more of a hold on each other's emotions than good families do. You never stop hoping that it can turn out OK. For the family as a whole, I don't think it can. What you CAN do is control your rage when your own kids (if any) screw up, don't pass on suspicion of motives while at the same time giving a healthy regard for self-preservation. Have you tried, or have you access to, an Adult Children of Alcoholics group? These can be helpful - very - and although your story is extreme, it is also depressingly common in a general sense. NOTHING that happened to your brothers is your fault. It was never your responsibility to protect them. Any time you did so, you were a hero.

  8. Wow that was powerful. I admire the strength and power in your writing. You can turn bad to good. You have a very distinctive voice, keep on writing.

  9. Wow. What a horrible experience!

    I cried reading this!

    Powerful writing.

  10. I just found your blog. I would just like to tell you that I think you are very brave for writing your story and that I am very, very sure that it will help you. Writing it, putting it out there, hearing other people's views and concerns... it helps. A lot more than you may realize on the surface. The blogging community is a community of friends across the globe. So welcome. And I hope you stay a while... =)

    By the way .. your style/manner of writing is really good.