A huge problem that has followed me are issues with sex. I was molested most of my life, at times severely. My earliest memory is about 4, but I will blog about that later.
It was someone in my family that was suppose to love me, suppose to protect me. I can't even describe what this did to me, the things I did acting out, but I digress, back to now... The problem is I can have random sex or "hook ups" with no problem, usually alcohol fueled, yes, I know this is a bad mix, but I cannot have sex when I am "in love'
I have been married to my current husband about 6 years and our marriage is suffering over this, and he tries to be understanding, but he is a man and it is hard. I have absolutely NO desire, and on the odd occassion I do get turned on or my body responds how it should, my mind automatically goes crazy like an alarm goes off and this sea of shame washes over me, like I should NOT be enjoying this.
I have finally come to realize what that stems from as well, but it does not help fix the problem. When I was a child, maybe 11 I can remember my body starting to react while I was being molested and it made me feel so bad, so worthless, like it must be my fault and that my molestor would think that I liked it and I did NOT, but I was still so ashamed...
Now, after reading a LOT on this issue I realize that at that age, I could not help my body reacting at times, and No I do not mean orgasims, I mean small things but things that made me feel dirty nonetheless. I did not understand how that would happen as much as I hated what was happening to me.
When I was single, I went down a dangerous path, random sex, strangers, just to fill that void, to connect, I mean we all need sex, we need that connection but I had to be intoxicated to do it, so started this very dangerous destructive path. I think back to how fortunate I was that I was not raped, assaulted, or worse.
Waking up in someones bed, weekend after weekend, trying to slide out before they woke, not really knowing where I was happened way too often.
I think that is what upsets me the most, I know what my issues are, I know what they stem from, I know why I feel like I feel but I cannot do anything about it. And I do not want to lose my husband, he is a good man, but he is also in his mid 30's and I know he cannot continue to live with someone that gives him sex 3 times a month and all the while, he knows I am dying inside the whole time... how do I fix this?
Its a hard post to comment on, and im sure you dont expect some people to, however, and I do feel empathy and I can't imagine what you went through, I wanted to point something out. I dont believe we all "need" sex. In essence, yes, to preserve the human race, but for internal emotional need on a every day basis it is not critical. It can help relieve stress and so on, but it can also build stress in some circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry maybe I sound cruel. Its just that every time I hear these stories they are the only ones that really get to me and the want to make an attempt to help is there even though I know I cannot.
I heard a man say once that "your problems are your problems and what happens between you and even the person you love the most is not the problem." Most problems are of mind.
I hope that somehow you figure it out...............
What a personal and painful thing to blog about. Coincidentally, my favorite singer, Ryan Kelly, released his solo album last week, and on the album is a song (Heaven Bound) about a child who was molested and is trying to pick up the pieces in the wake of his tormentor's death, so this is a topic I've had on my mind a lot lately. I don't know what the solution is but reaching out to others seems like a step in the right direction. My thoughts are with you...
ReplyDeleteErin and Andrew
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments. Andrew you are right, I don't expect everyone to comment and erin it is hard to blog about.
But I just have to get this out of me, I know this but i am not strong enough to do it "openly" so this is a happy medium so to speak.
The majority of this story has been told to my family, even though we do not discuss it, I guess the reason I still need for it to be private is because of some of the things that are currently happening in my life due to this as well as things of the past few years.
Things I am ashamed of... things that I do not want people to know...
It is a complicated problem!!!
ReplyDeletehttp://godedhardycom-sunny.blogspot.com
I got here from following your ID from a comment you left on a humorous site (whose name I suddenly blanked on). You are doing one really right thing - this anonymous blog. I have been blogging anonymously for years and I find that just writing about things seem to soothe them out - though I never had nearly the agonies which you did, I did know of homes where they happened, and my father was a verbally abusive and ultimately "crazy" (he was locked up) alcoholic, who put us in danger, and who frightened us a lot. Does your husband know what happened? If it is not a secret from him, it might help the marriage - but then it might not; I can't just from a distance. I don't especially believe you should 'forgive' your father ever, but I find that over the time I have blogged (mostly about other things) I have come to at least know that he was bipolar in a time that was not recognized - a time when everything was a case of 'get hold of yourself and man up' and that he suffered terribly. you say HIS father was also abusive - what horrors did your father go thru - how would he have DARED to love? It is no excuse, but it is a thought. I think writing - anonymously or not - will help over time. Try to write from as many emotions other than anger as possible, and try to tell your story as WELL as you can - make it art. Any time you can look at something you write and say, that is good writing, you have a real victory. Are there ANY happy moments from your youth - anyone you loved - friends, relatives, siblings, kind strangers? Don't forget to mention them - it will be a "thank you". I wish I could say it will turn out happily. I don't know. but I think you are making it better.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to comment, but I want to say - you're in my thoughts regarding the issues you have. It will get better for you. I believe that with everything in me.
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