Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Daddy's Lessons

My father often told us the best way to overcome a fear was face it head on.  Fact is he was an mean man, with too much time on his hands and had a love affair with drinking and drugs.  I can remember things in almost list order, it is kind of odd the way my mind stores them.

For instance, I feared heights, so I remember when we lived on Arnette ave. him putting me on top of the shed on day, making me stay there until I jumped down.  Well, I was like 8 years old at most, it was as tall as our house, no way I was jumping, I stayed up there forever, luckily at some point he passed out, and after I was pretty good and sunburned, my mom came out and put our ladder up against the shed so that I could climb down.

I remember being afraid of the water so he took me out on the john boat one day on falls lake, me, him and another family friend. They were both drunk.  He threw me in, Sink or swim he said.  I sunk, over and over... I knew I was dying... luckily while I was under the water, fighing, so scared a hand reached in and jerked me out.  It was NOT my father, it was his buddy, I remember him telling my dad... Larry, she is going to drown - she can't swim...

Then there was the storm, I was so afraid of storms, so he put me out in the yard in the middle of a storm, the lightening was horrible.  I stood still, frozen with fear.  The only move I made was to crouch down with my arms wrapped around my knees...

I wonder what I would have turned out like had he not been killed.  All of this happened shortly after I turned 10.  what seems like a lifetime of torture in such a short time.  I know some of you have to be thinking badly of my mom but she did try.  He beat her so bad, she could hardly protect herself.  I remember trying to jump on his back and "hurt" him many times when he was beating my mother.

He cheated on my mom, accused her of ridiculous affairs, he was really "off".  I can remember her being beaten because he accused her of her BROTHER.  She could literally not look another man in the eye.  He made her quit school. she could not work, have a driver's license.  She could not wear make up, cut her hair, or wear a skirt that was not well below the knee.  I cannot imagine her life. 

My father was having an affair with the 16 year old girl that lived across the street, that also had herpes, I remember one day we came home from somewhere, my aunt had taken us, my mom, me and my brothers, I guess my father was not expecting us, he was in bed with the 16 year old neighbor.  He actually beat my mom for walking into the bedroom and "interrupting" them...  God, I almost laugh writing this, who could make this shit up...

My mother tried so hard to please him, one misstep and he was on her like a mad man... but one day, she did make a mistake... a huge one.  She did cheat on my dad and got caught.  I cannot say that I blame her, after she explained it as an adult, I mean, she was so severely abused and held captive, someone comes along, shows her attention, treats her like an adult, hell like a human and she was human, she broke, she needed to be held, loved, not hurt... what happened next is something I remember every moment of... but that will have to wait until tomorrow...


  1. This is some very powerful stuff, but it's good that you're letting it out. I think the world could learn a lot from stories like yours, and in telling it you are contributing to such lessons in a unique way that few others can.

    I've also started a similar but much different project, a diary of sorts. However mine is about my present struggles and with mental illness rather than abuse. I admire your strength to write about such heavy content; I have yet to get into some of the really heavy issues regarding my struggles, but I hope to soon be as strong as you in opening them up to the world.

  2. I'm speechless.. you are so brave for sharing this and everything. I hope it is helping.